Be There...
This post is about to be very personal, and open, and it gives me anxiety to tell people how much I have sucked as a wife.
Andrew is an amazing husband, I'm really just not saying that. He jumps in and helps me, if I am trying to lift something that I shouldn't; or if I am struggling with cleaning stuff off the floor. He stood next to me all twelve hours of my labor, and even the last hour of me pushing. He is so amazing with Skye, more amazing than I could ever have imagined. He never ceases to amaze me, when he is exhausted, but will still make time to give Skye attention. He deals with me being over emotional, and doesn't get upset or even comment when the house is a complete disaster. There have been multiple occasions when he would get home from work, and the sink is overflowing with dishes, all of the laundry is dirty, and the house has never been more messy. Not once did he ever ask what I did all day, or make me feel bad for hi working all day and coming home to a mess. There have been so many times I've felt like a terrible mom, and he makes me feel better; reminding me that Skye loves me no matter what. He makes sure our family has everything that we need, and does his best to give us everything we want. He fixes everything that I break, literally. (I break almost everything I touch.)
You'd think with how amazing and supportive he is, that he would have an amazing wife who is always there for him; unfortunately you would be wrong. He has two things he loves to do to relieve stress; video games, and rock climbing. He could have much worse hobbies, so I should be glad that those are his outlets to relieve stress. Instead of supporting him, and encouraging him to do those things, I get upset and give him grief for him not wanting to spend time with me. I make a big deal over him spending a couple hours to himself, even though I know that he more than anyone deserves it. I shouldn't let it bother me, and I should realize that me being dramatic about it makes him really not want to spend time with me. I shouldn't wait to realize these things until it's too late, and I've yelled at him, or cried to him wanting to know why he doesn't want to be around me.
I've created a huge strain on our marriage, and I don't know how long or if we will go back to how we were before. It's not alway easier to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. I have had that outlook on spending money for the longest time. I don't make smart purchases, I don't always realize that just because I have money; doesn't mean I have to spend it. I love to shop, and find deals on things, but when you find deals on five to ten things, every single time you go shopping; your not saving money. Especially if you didn't need it before hand.
Money is something that has been a stressor on our marriage, I think that's something every marriage struggles with at some point.
I have never felt so disappointed in myself. I don't like to fail at things, and I am failing at one of the things that means most to me; being a good wife to my husband. I've been so selfish lately, and not even thinking of Andrews needs. He deserves so much more than I have been giving him. I didn't realise how terrible I have been until recently, until it's almost too late. You can't give nothing to your spouse and expect everything in return. I was being unbearable, and expecting him to want to spend time with me, expecting him to want to even be around me. I was making myself unlovable, and expecting him to love me. I was becoming someone completely different than the person he fell in love with, and expecting him to be in love with me.
Saying I'll change, and I'll be better now, doesn't always work. Your spouse may not always think you deserve another chance. You may decide to change, which is great, but if you wait too long your spouse may not still be around to see it. Which is understandable, look at it from their perspective. If your spouse wasn't giving you the attention or support you needed, would you stay? Or would you disconnect from the relationship? If you spouse was spending money on things you really didn't need, and spennding way to much money, would you stress out or be frustrated?
You can't always just think of what you need, or what you want. You have to take your spouse into account, they are the most important person in your life. I know that sounds crazy, because what about your kids, or parents, or siblings; but without your spouse you wouldn't have your kids. Your biggest support, and the person you fall asleep next to and wake up with every morning is the most important person. You both made your beautiful children, you both decided to love each other unconditionally. you both have been through so many trials together. You have to let them know that you are there for them, and appreciate them for everything they have been through with you.
Andrew, I don't know if you read this or not, but I love you more than you will ever know. I truly hope you know how much I love you, and how much I appreciate everything you do for our family. I know I don't make life easy on you, and I stress you out beyond measure, but I hope you can see the change I want to make. I hope you can forgive me for the pain and stress I have caused you. I'm supposed to be your support, your rock, but instead I have been the thing causing you the most pain and stress. I love you. I am here.
Andrew is an amazing husband, I'm really just not saying that. He jumps in and helps me, if I am trying to lift something that I shouldn't; or if I am struggling with cleaning stuff off the floor. He stood next to me all twelve hours of my labor, and even the last hour of me pushing. He is so amazing with Skye, more amazing than I could ever have imagined. He never ceases to amaze me, when he is exhausted, but will still make time to give Skye attention. He deals with me being over emotional, and doesn't get upset or even comment when the house is a complete disaster. There have been multiple occasions when he would get home from work, and the sink is overflowing with dishes, all of the laundry is dirty, and the house has never been more messy. Not once did he ever ask what I did all day, or make me feel bad for hi working all day and coming home to a mess. There have been so many times I've felt like a terrible mom, and he makes me feel better; reminding me that Skye loves me no matter what. He makes sure our family has everything that we need, and does his best to give us everything we want. He fixes everything that I break, literally. (I break almost everything I touch.)
You'd think with how amazing and supportive he is, that he would have an amazing wife who is always there for him; unfortunately you would be wrong. He has two things he loves to do to relieve stress; video games, and rock climbing. He could have much worse hobbies, so I should be glad that those are his outlets to relieve stress. Instead of supporting him, and encouraging him to do those things, I get upset and give him grief for him not wanting to spend time with me. I make a big deal over him spending a couple hours to himself, even though I know that he more than anyone deserves it. I shouldn't let it bother me, and I should realize that me being dramatic about it makes him really not want to spend time with me. I shouldn't wait to realize these things until it's too late, and I've yelled at him, or cried to him wanting to know why he doesn't want to be around me.
I've created a huge strain on our marriage, and I don't know how long or if we will go back to how we were before. It's not alway easier to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. I have had that outlook on spending money for the longest time. I don't make smart purchases, I don't always realize that just because I have money; doesn't mean I have to spend it. I love to shop, and find deals on things, but when you find deals on five to ten things, every single time you go shopping; your not saving money. Especially if you didn't need it before hand.
Money is something that has been a stressor on our marriage, I think that's something every marriage struggles with at some point.
I have never felt so disappointed in myself. I don't like to fail at things, and I am failing at one of the things that means most to me; being a good wife to my husband. I've been so selfish lately, and not even thinking of Andrews needs. He deserves so much more than I have been giving him. I didn't realise how terrible I have been until recently, until it's almost too late. You can't give nothing to your spouse and expect everything in return. I was being unbearable, and expecting him to want to spend time with me, expecting him to want to even be around me. I was making myself unlovable, and expecting him to love me. I was becoming someone completely different than the person he fell in love with, and expecting him to be in love with me.
Saying I'll change, and I'll be better now, doesn't always work. Your spouse may not always think you deserve another chance. You may decide to change, which is great, but if you wait too long your spouse may not still be around to see it. Which is understandable, look at it from their perspective. If your spouse wasn't giving you the attention or support you needed, would you stay? Or would you disconnect from the relationship? If you spouse was spending money on things you really didn't need, and spennding way to much money, would you stress out or be frustrated?
You can't always just think of what you need, or what you want. You have to take your spouse into account, they are the most important person in your life. I know that sounds crazy, because what about your kids, or parents, or siblings; but without your spouse you wouldn't have your kids. Your biggest support, and the person you fall asleep next to and wake up with every morning is the most important person. You both made your beautiful children, you both decided to love each other unconditionally. you both have been through so many trials together. You have to let them know that you are there for them, and appreciate them for everything they have been through with you.
Andrew, I don't know if you read this or not, but I love you more than you will ever know. I truly hope you know how much I love you, and how much I appreciate everything you do for our family. I know I don't make life easy on you, and I stress you out beyond measure, but I hope you can see the change I want to make. I hope you can forgive me for the pain and stress I have caused you. I'm supposed to be your support, your rock, but instead I have been the thing causing you the most pain and stress. I love you. I am here.
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